There is a man who knows how to solve all the problems in the Middle East quickly and easily. He knows exactly what we should do in Iraq. He has the solution to global climate change, the high price of gas, the immigration turmoil, affirmative action, stem cell research, gangs and the drug problem.

He can speak extemporaneously for hours on tax fairness, campaign finance reform, universal health care, voter fraud, education reform, farm subsidies and foreign aid.

Nothing is too big or too small to escape his notice. In the past half-hour he has touched on Indian casinos, "The Sopranos"' ending, the crisis in Darfur, Paris Hilton, Rosie O'Donnell, globalization, spice rubs and the iPhone.

And where is this man? In the government? Out on the campaign trail running for office? Writing position papers for some prestigious think tank? Teaching at one of the great universities?

No, he's right at the table next to me and Sue at the local Applebee's. What luck! Not only is he an expert on world and national affairs, he is an expert on football, baseball, basketball, motocross, hockey, tennis, golf, NASCAR racing, bass fishing, target shooting, volleyball, roller derby, horse racing, cycling, ice skating, ice-dancing croquet, pro wrestling, boxing, bowling, curling, snowboarding, surfing, windsurfing, ski jumping, tractor pulling, darts, parachute jumping, badminton, bull riding and team roping.

He is extremely principled and highly moral. He has nothing but contempt for athletes who take steroids or athletes who don't win 100 percent of the time. They are miserable, despicable failures who lack character. They are bad role models who corrupt our youth by sending out the wrong message about hard work and dedication.

Even worse, it screws up his betting system. Which is why, through absolutely no fault of his own, he's three years behind on the child support