Do you need something else to worry about? Are the concerns about the war, the economy, the high price of gas and all of Lindsay Lohan’s legal problems just not enough? Well, sit back, Chester, because your old buddy, Dave, has a new one for you . . . the Earth is on a collision course with Mars. In fact, by the time you get to the end of this article (that is IF you make it that far before tossing aside the paper, in favor of watching a “Chico And The Man” rerun as many people do) we may very well have already collided with the red planet.
According to NASA, our dear old Mother Earth and . . . well, I don’t know how people on Mars refer to their planet . . . perhaps Uncle Larry Mars are heading towards each other at 22,000 miles per hour. To put that in perspective since the time you started reading this article (that is if you are still reading it, and haven’t flipped over to “Arlo and Janis” on the comics page, which many people do at this point each week) Mars has gotten 300 miles closer to us. I believe it was the great American hero, Bugs Bunny, who said, “Did you ever get the feeling you was being watched?”
I guess the next question to ask yourself would be what do we plan to do about our impending doom? It is at times like these that our government should call upon its citizens to band together, and since our troops our a bit busy these days I am suggesting that we form a posse of real men to stop this red invasion of little green men. Real men, with names like “Red,” “Junior,” “Earl” and “Petey” . . . real men who know and enjoy a good fight every now and then.
It is with this thought in mind that I have contacted my inner circle of dudes, and told them that we will not take this invasion lying down. Our good Earth should know it is being protected by guys like “Bald Headed Ernie,” “Psycho,” “Monk,” “Mad Dog,” “Bo” and “Waldo.” My boys are on high alert, and we are taking our duty very seriously. In fact, a soon as we realized our planet was in immediate danger we all gathered at the palatial estate on Bunker Hill Drive and did what all great warriors should do ... we turned on the big screen, filled the cooler with beer and fired up the grill. What, did you expect we could protect the entire planet on an empty stomach and devoid of the NFL Network?
Of course, the above is meant to be an exaggeration. Scientists tell us there is no real need to fear a collision between the two planets. In fact, by late December Earth and Mars will actually begin to move further apart, thus saving us from death and destruction. The threat appears to be over, which is really good news, since during our planning stages for the collision, my boys and I apparently drank all the beer.