On TV, disagreements between parents and their teenage children tend to be funny or cute, and usually end with a happy outcome. In real life, arguments with your teenager seldom seem “cute” or “funny,” and often end in real anger with no clear resolution.
It would be wonderful if parent-teen arguments never happened, but the reality is that disagreements are a normal part of the developmental process. Young children can accept the black and white rules we create for them ("No more TV!"), but our teens have begun to learn that there are also shades of gray in the world.
The result is that teenagers increasingly question and test us. Annoying though it may be, it's actually a healthy part of growing up. The trick for parents is to keep such questioning from leading to heated, hurtful arguments.
Step one is simply accepting that teens will question decisions and rules, and debate you about almost everything, and will do so more frequently as they get older. The trick is to recognize that as a part of the maturation process and develop techniques to avoid heated arguments and hurt feelings.
One such technique is taking a non-aggressive attitude in disagreements. If your immediate response to your argumentative teen is one of anger and zero compromise, you can probably expect the same back in response.
Instead, remain calm, use a rational tone of voice, and let your child see that you're willing to listen and discuss, not just yell and be angry. Setting that example helps your child understand that you expect the same sort of response from him or her.
You especially want to avoid words and accusations that inflame the situation and put your child on the angry defensive. If you disagree about something your teen has done or wants to do, make it clear you're disapproving of the behavior itself, not your child.
Most important is controlling your anger. If you need to walk away or count to ten, do so and give yourself time to calm down. Staying calm and rational allows you to consider options and compromises that both of you can live with, rather than just yelling hurtful words.
Questioning and disagreeing is a normal part of growing up. It’s a stretching of wings as children try to be more independent. Just don’t let such disagreements grow into major fights that end in hurt feelings and distrust of each other.
“The Counseling Corner” is provided as a public service by the American Counseling Association, the nation’s largest organization of counseling professionals. Learn more about the counseling profession at the ACA web site, www.counse ling.org.
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