I have been accused of spending way too much time in this column writing about food. There is a simple reason for that: I like food ... love it, in fact. Eating is a habit I picked up as a child and I’ve been doing it and doing it well for most of my 37 years on planet Earth. Longtime readers of this column (and you know who you two are) also are aware of my utter disdain for those who feel it is their job to serve as food judges, juries and executioners. Much like politicians, I appreciate your efforts but I really have no use for you. That having been said, however, I recently was given an article on the subjects of diet and exercise that I found most interesting.

The piece appeared in “Nutrition Action Newsletter.” I’ll pause now to give you time to rush off to your computer to quickly sign up for what promises to be a riveting, action-packed read. The article takes some of our favorite foods, then lists the amount of calories they contain, followed by the amount of exercise one would have to do to work off the damage those foods have done to our bodies. For example, a slice of New York cheesecake checks in with a whopping 700 calories. The piece says that in order for the average person to work off the caloric intake contained in that single slice, they would have to walk briskly for two hours and 40 minutes. Enjoy your pizza, Tubby? Be prepared to play tennis for an hour and 10 minutes to work off the 650 calories contained in just one slice of cheese pizza. Mama Mia! Well, as a public service to my readers (both of you) I have listed some of mine, and probably some of yours as well, favorite foods and the activities you would need to perform to work off the damage to your hips, bellies and other body parts than these sinful delights may do to you. You’re welcome.

Fudge stripe cookies. Everyone loves these childhood favorites, however, what you may not know is that the Keebler elves were nothing more than midget pawns of Satan sent here to expand your waistline.

The solution after eating, oh let’s say, 27 or so as I usually do? Simply walk down to your neighborhood convenience store and buy a gallon of milk to go with them.

Tacos. I love me some tacos, for sure, but it’s also a little known fact that the little Taco Bell dog used in the TV ads from a few years ago actually died of a massive coronary. Let’s say you should find yourself consuming, oh I don’t know, 12 or 13 tacos with cheese, sour cream and all the good stuff that comes on tacos. While you’re at it, let’s say you have also thrown in a burrito for good measure. Well then, your exercise plan is simple. If you have just eaten 12 or 13 tacos, plus a burrito you will be RUNNING to your next destination, if you know what I mean.

Funnel cakes. Who doesn’t love the county fair tradition of taking 27 pounds of dough, deep frying it, then covering it with powdered sugar or in some cases chocolate, honey or both? That’s some good eatin’ right there, Cousin Junior, that is if your goal is to be at Forest Lawn before this year’s “Miss Crawdad Queen” is crowned. Never fear, take your buddy Dave’s advice. Should you find yourself at a fair of some sort, chances are there will be some amusement-style ride, such as a tilt-a-whirl, or my favorite as a child, the spider. After consuming one or more of these funnel cakes, simply get your carcass in line to ride one of these vomit-inducing machines of near-death and the rest will take care of itself.

Beer. Beer is a staple in America. From the ballpark to NASCAR races to simply downing a cold one (or two or more) after work, our culture is soaked in suds. What can one do to not turn themselves into a non-animated Homer Simpson? It’s simple, drink more beer. Drink enough of it and you won’t care anymore, nor will you waste time reading stupid articles about diet and exercise.