It seems like only yesterday, but it was 35 years ago that I was sitting in the newsroom of The Logan Banner pondering what I was going to write about in that particular week’s column, a weekly writing that appeared under the title, Plain Talkin’.
Today, I find myself again trying to decide what topic I should write about for another weekly feature I have been blessed to be able to write. I actually have many interviews I’ve completed with people that I hope to present in future editions of this newspaper. However, perhaps it’s the full moon or downright literary laziness, I don’t really know, but I think I’ll get into the old time machine and take a look back at what I was thinking back in 1985 as I stared out the windows onto Stratton Street, never knowing what the future had in store. Just keep in mind that the No. 1 rated movie at the time was “Back to the Future.”
I present the following column, which was written by me back when Ronald Reagan was president, Arch Moore was governor and Madonna was singing “Like a Virgin.” And, of course, the San Francisco 49ers were winning the Super Bowl over the Miami Dolphins, 38-16.
It is indeed with great pleasure that I announce my candidacy for the newly created office of Commissioner of Corruption in state and local governmental politics. I appreciate Gov. Moore’s input. If not for his influence and understanding, I’m positive he never would have created the job.
My political platform will be as follows:
If elected, I promise to be in the office occasionally, and I will try my damndest to find the most attractive secretary available, maybe even one who can type.
I will not create problems for anybody. Of course, I may not solve any, but at least that way I won’t be creating any.
If the above paragraph seemed confusing, then you know I am the man for the office.
I will not steal toilet paper from the public restrooms in the Logan County Courthouse. It’s not Charmin anyway.
During legislative sessions, I will volunteer my time to the Marriott and the Heart-of-Town in Charleston to cover important legislative happenings.
I will donate to all area Little Leagues, Midget Football Leagues and Babe Ruth League organizations, providing all members of each team are of legal voting age.
My office library will not contain Playboy magazines. However, this rule does not apply to my desk drawer.
I will keep a deck of cards and a six-pack of cheap beer available in case of important meetings with political visitors.
I will authorize any expenditure that doesn’t cost me anything.
I will eat lunch anywhere in town until I find a hairnet in my soup. At such time, I will demand my money back and will return my food — even if I’ve already eaten it.
I will not disturb other office employees by playing my stereo too loud, providing no one places pencil lead in the lock on my office door.
I promise not to toss cigarette butts on the floor, but I won’t tell on anybody else who does.
If I have nothing to do on a particularly nice day, I will go play golf.
OK, enough is enough.
I agree with you that all of the above is a waste of space and is full of false promises and even downright lies.
But, heck, I thought that was what you’re supposed to do whenever you’re campaigning for a political office. Isn’t that what just about everybody else does?
Perhaps I should contact my campaign manager about this matter.
n n n
Well, that certainly was a short trip back in time, and a lot of water has passed under the Logan Bridge since 1985. But as I sit here thinking about 2020 and what may be in store — perhaps even another 49ers championship — I can tell you that many things have changed here in the Logan courthouse, but there’s still no Charmin. And Lord knows, we sure need it.
Until next week, when I hopefully come back to my senses, you good people just keep trying to be as happy as, well, a tornado in a trailer park.